My husband cheated: Now What? Unpacking the 6 Stages of Betrayal Recovery

By Heidi Monuteaux, MA, LMHC, CSAT, AF-EMDR
Ten Mile Counseling

Learning about your partner’s sexual betrayal is devastating. Whether it’s facing his pornography use, finding out about an affair, or discovering some other form of sexual brokenness, intimate betrayal can leave you feeling like you are on an emotional roller coaster.

One of the first questions you will find yourself asking is, “What does the journey toward healing look like?”

There are six identifiable stages of recovery for women affected by sexual betrayal (as defined by the research of Dr. Stefanie Carnes). These stages can take months or years for you to move through. Each woman’s journey will be unique to her own circumstances and dependent upon her willingness and ability to seek out proper help, social support and resources.

Developing or Pre-Discovery

In this first stage you may find yourself completely unaware of the sexual behavior. On the other hand, you may be suspicious that something isn’t adding up but you aren’t necessarily sure what that might be. Typically, this is the stage where the partner feels the impact in a number of areas in the couple’s life such as finances, parenting and intimacy issues. When you address the concerns, your partner may choose to deny it, minimize it, or blame it on you.

Crisis/Decision/Information Gathering

This stage involves the exposure of your partner’s sexual behaviors that have not yet been disclosed. The betrayal is exposed either by disclosure or through discovery. Either way, the information is painful and causes emotional turmoil within yourself and within the relationship. The betrayal may affect your mind, body, spirit and sexuality. You may find yourself trying to control or manipulate your partner in hopes of keeping the pain of betrayal at bay. You will more than likely feel isolated and alone. In this stage it would be helpful to read literature on sexual betrayal, join a 12-step group or support group and seek therapy from a counselor who specializes in treating intimate partner betrayal trauma.

Shock

After disclosure you may be feeling the mind-numbing disbelief about what has happened. Your partner may feel like a stranger and everything about the relationship can feel like a lie. In this stage, shock is very normal and serves to protect you from painful emotions including anger, resentment, hopelessness, self-doubt, and shame. Having others validate you and your process is essential to this stage. It is absolutely critical for you to get support from a specialized therapist and other betrayed partners who have walked this path.

Grief and Ambivalence

This fourth stage is all about introspection and focusing on yourself in order to grieve your losses. It is important to give yourself space to acknowledge the loss so that you can also acknowledge your current reality. You may experience ambivalence about your relationship and wonder if you should stay or if you should go. You may have little hope for the relationship to heal. You can manage this painful stage by practicing good boundaries, focusing on recovery work and healthy self-care.

Repair

In this stage, you will experience deeper insight, increased inner strength and healthy coping skills. You will be fully invested in your own recovery and perhaps recovery as a couple. Your boundaries as well as the hard work of grieving your losses will give you a sense of stability. If you choose to stay in the relationship it is because your partner is following a good recovery program and shows signs of healing. This stage can also bring clarity around whether the relationship can be healed our not.

Growth

The Growth Stage will bring decreased feelings of victimization and increased feelings of resiliency. Oddly enough, in this stage you will find yourself acknowledging the gifts your recovery has brought to your life. The pain will have been worth the personal growth you are now experiencing.

Dr. Sheri Keffer will be the keynote speaker at Restoring Hearts Women’s Conference Saturday, May 14 at Northwest Church in Lynnwood, WA. Restoring Hearts is a one-day event for women impacted by intimate betrayal (pornography, affairs, sexual brokenness). Details and tickets at restoringheartsconference.org