Reconstructing my identity after facing sexual betrayal
By Karen Crawford
Coach & Pastoral Sex Addiction Professional Candidate
Senior Program Director, Prodigals International
Betrayal by the one we love has a host of consequences. Very likely, you put your trust in your husband. But, after sexual betrayal everything we thought about ourselves becomes shaken.
When you discovered his lies, it wrecked the very core of who you are. Many of us put our identity into being a wife and mother, especially when we put our careers on hold. Becoming a wife and mother can be a very good role, yet it becomes complicated and very easy to lose who we are in Christ when the turmoil of betrayal bombards us. We came to believe who we thought we were was a lie. Some women have been told by others (often their husband) that the betrayal is their fault: they weren’t sexual enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, tall enough, or smart enough. The lie echoes “I’m not enough” and we no longer know the truth about who we are.
I understand the grief and pain of betrayal, because I went through it also.
I had all of these thoughts. I still struggle at times with my identity, but I know where the lies are coming from and how to combat and fight back against the lies now.
What do we do? Where do we go? What is the truth?
In the book of Judges, chapters 6-7, we learn about identity through the story of Gideon. As the Lord sits under a tree where Gideon is working, He says, “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior.” Now why would He call Gideon “mighty warrior?” We as women, but especially as betrayed wives, struggle with our identity.
- If you are hearing names that are negative, they are not from God!
- If you are hearing names that are not backed up by Scripture, you are hearing lies from the Evil One.
- If you are hearing names that don’t sound like names God would call you, seek His peace.
God is not a God of confusion!
He desires you to be at peace. Gideon asks, “If the Lord is with us, why has all this happened?” Isn’t that the same question we have asked God, over and over again? (That is another blog post for another time!) The Lord responds, “Go in the strength you have…” This is another good lesson in this narrative. We have been beaten down, crushed to the very core of our identity. Yet, with every ounce of strength we have, we continue to plow forward attempting to make sense of this event or events that make no sense. We read every book, attend every conference and seek out the best, counselor. The Lord continues, “I will be with you…” God will be with us and guide us as we make very difficult decisions and learn to set boundaries around our husband’s behavior. Seek Him and you will find Him. And the end of the story? We find Gideon in the Hall of Fame known as the Heroes of Faith in Hebrews 11.
We turn to God with our questions about our true identity in Him
- “What do you want me to know and what do you want me to do?”
- “What do you want me to know about my situation?”
- “What to you want me to do about it? How do you want me to move forward?”
I often pray for “my ladies,” asking God to show them where He want them to place their foot on the path He are taking them. Continue to seek God and, in time, as you grow, the pain will subside and God will restore a new joy and realization of who you are.
I needed access to God in order to recover. I needed Jesus to be my friend and walk alongside me in that moment. If you are struggling with your identity, I encourage you to meditate on these Bible verses to RENEW your mind and claim the truth about how God sees you:
- 2 Thessalonians 2:13 – God has chosen you from the beginning for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and faith in the truth. You are chosen.
- Psalm 103:12 As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. You are forgiven.
- Romans 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. You are accepted.
- Romans 8:32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things. You are blessed.
- Ephesians 1:7 In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins according to the riches of His grace. You are redeemed.
- 1 John 4:10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us, and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. You are loved.
- Galatians 4:7 Therefore, you are no longer a slave, but a son; and if a son, then an heir through God. You are adopted.
- 1 Corinthians 15:57 But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Chris. You are victorious.
Additionally, I recommend these books to continue your growth around identity:
- Your Mental Mess by Dr. Caroline Leaf
- It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way by Lysa TerKeurst,
- Get Out of Your Head by Jennie Allen
Lastly, I hope you’ll consider subscribing to the Restoring Hearts blog for future encouragement. Reach out to me at karenc@prodigalsinternational.org and I’ll be delighted to send to you an Identity Trigger Worksheet.
“…the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners…” Isaiah 61:1
Restoring Hearts Women’s Conference Saturday, March 25 is a one-day event for women facing the startling discovery of their husband’s sexual brokenness – pornography, affairs, sexting, etc. Hosted at Westminster Chapel in Bellevue, WA, the 2023 event featured keynote is author & speaker Carol Juergensen Sheets. Presented by Prodigals International, a Christian 12-step recovery and counseling ministry for individuals and families impacted by sexual brokenness.
About Post Author
