Remembering Who I Am…After His Betrayal

by Stephanie Broersma
Director, Reclaimed Ministry

A bride often feels there are huge gaps, or emotional voids, missing in her life while processing betrayal trauma within her marriage.

Some feel much larger than others, and some just small reminders of what’s not there anymore. It can be a trust gap or intimacy gap; perhaps the marriage ended in divorce and you are lacking someone to share Christmas with you side-by-side this year. The voids in our lives are very real and can be independently exhausting.

Betrayal grief has two sides. The one where your entire focus is on what you no longer have and the other with what you still have within the grasp of your hands. Both creating an overwhelming narrative that can be all consuming.

A bride often feels there are huge gaps, or emotional voids, missing in her life while processing betrayal trauma within her marriage.

After my husband told me of his pornography addiction and multiple affairs, my identity was in crisis; and when placed in front of a mirror, I was unsure who was looking back at me. I could define my location, but to answer the question of, “Who am I?” I could not.

I couldn’t see past the titles: wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, betrayed, not good enough, failure. I had learned that in times of crisis, my faith grew and when all was well, it coasted. I was now in a place of complete dependence on my Heavenly Father to prepare me for each next minute of life.

Separation from the one I vowed my unity to was all too devastating. I felt as if I was watching my body move through life while sitting from a distance. A vacant shell that still had some faint heartbeat. God, in my brokenness, gently began to speak life into my being and rewrote the narrative of who I was, making my identity grounded in His truth, not mine.

It happened when I was able to step back and remember what God had done and was doing in my life. “I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.” Psalm 77:3-4. Deleting is easy on a keyboard. But erasing pain from the heart is a process much more complicated.

Starting in Psalm 77:10, you begin to see a transition of the heart attitude where Asaph begins to remember the good works, “Then I thought, ‘To this I will appeal the years of the right hand of the Most High. I will remember the deeds of the Lord; I will meditate on all Your works.’ ” In the English Standard Version, the verse reads, “I will remember your wonders of old.” And in the New Living Translation, “I recall all you have done, O Lord.” I forgot to remember what God had already done in my life… and perhaps was still doing.

The shift in scripture is an important part of our brokenness and healing. It’s the point of transition from sorrow to joy. The point where we see our need for God verses being stuck in our pity and ashes. Asaph made a conscious decision to turn from his pain and rather focus on the wonders of God. There were days when the pain of my husband’s sin was so thick and heavy that I could only see what was right in front of me: my own pain, myself and my needs. I didn’t have the strength to seek God in the moment due to my own weakness sucking the very breath from my lungs. When I allowed myself to rest completely in His strength, my eyes started seeing the blessings still being poured into my life. My identity now defined by God’s love for me, not the disappointments in life.

No name I give myself will outweigh the name God gives me.

What are you focusing on today? Are you spending too much time reliving the pain and keeping a tight grip on the negative narrative in your mind?

Today, I pray you have the capacity to see the beauty in the pain. To see the blessings as you take a running leap over the gaps in your life. You have been given the bridge to healing through forgiveness that allows you to cross over confidently and experience all the wonder of this journey. Take His hand, grip tightly to God’s promise and jump into joy as a precious daughter of the Most High.

Stephanie Broersma will lead a breakout session titled Finding Your Identity After Marital Betrayal: Who am I? at the 2020 Restoring Hearts Women’s Conference. The Conference is ONLINE June 12 & 13.

Restoring Hearts Women’s Conference is a ministry of Prodigals International, designed to come alongside, encourage and equip women who are facing the startling discovery of their partner’s or family member’s sexual brokenness (pornography, sexting, affair). The 2020 event features Keynote Speaker Lynn Marie Cherry.