The key to Healthy Boundaries during your Partner’s recovery

By Alison Davis, LMHC, CSAT, EMDR

When Partners of sex addicts first begin the boundary-setting process, they often focus on their External Boundaries because they desperately need the Addict’s sexual acting out to stop. These External Boundaries are the do’s and don’ts of recovery—what we will/will not allow.

The problem is, these External Boundaries flow out of our Internal Boundaries (what we’re telling ourselves), so it’s important to focus on our Internal Boundaries first. If we don’t, we may have a difficult time setting and keeping healthy External Boundaries.

Destroying the False Reality

Internal Boundaries are all about what’s happening on the inside of us:

the reality we’re creating
what we’re believing
what we feel we’re worth

Healthy boundaries are based in a positive self worth. We maintain healthy boundaries because we BELIEVE we are WORTH being cared for well.

Being in a relationship with a Sex Addict can make it difficult to feel valuable since it’s so hard not to personalize the acting out behavior. And, in many cases, the Addict blames the Partner for his/her behavior. When we believe a false reality about ourselves it makes maintaining healthy boundaries almost impossible.

It’s vital, then, that we don’t hand over the keys of our worth to the Addict, for if we do and then displease or anger them with the healthy limits we’ve set, it will be difficult to maintain our boundaries. We may feel that their approval is more important than keeping our boundaries and we may end up betraying ourselves yet again. Or, we may get confused and believe the Addict’s reality over our own, buying into their distortion that we are being controlling or unreasonable by taking care of ourselves.

Healthy Boundaries Create a Compassionate Person, NOT a Controlling Person

Best-selling author and acclaimed speaker Brené Brown says, “The most compassionate people are the most boundaried people.” This may seem like an oxymoron, but it’s hard to come from a place of compassion when we don’t have good boundaries in place. Trampled boundaries and loss of self identity leave us feeling powerless and helpless, creating a space of hurt and anger so much of the time.

Boundaries can be a loving act even if they don’t feel loving to the person with whom we’re setting them. We can say to the Addict: “I love myself enough, I love you enough, and I love our relationship enough to set and keep healthy boundaries.”

With this in mind, here are some good questions to ask yourself as you begin the process of working on your Partner Boundaries:

Who is this boundary for? (Am I trying to protect myself or control the Addict’s behavior?)
Am I acting out of a place of worth or trying to change the Addict so I can feel valuable?
Am I setting my response to a broken boundary with the goal of punishing the Addict or for self care? (When writing your boundary responses, it’s important to think through what you may need if a boundary is broken in order to honor yourself in that moment).

I’ll be unpacking these key questions in greater depth and helping women identify a strategy for maintaining healthy boundaries at the 2018 Restoring Hearts Women’s Conference. If you’re currently in a place of struggling to maintain your sense of identity and serenity as your husband or boyfriend begins or continues his journey to sexual sobriety, I hope you’ll consider joining me April 7 at Westminster Chapel. Together, in community, we can find the sure footing and strength we need to find and maintain our personal boundaries.