Navigating the ‘LOVE’ month…after betrayal

Vicki Tiede
Author, Bible Teacher, National Speaker

By Vicki Tiede
Author of “When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart”

I’m pretty sure our Christmas wrapping paper was still sitting in the garbage can at the end of the driveway the day I saw my first Valentine’s decorations on sale.

The Valentine’s Day Conundrum

Valentine’s Day is meant to be one day a year when one remembers and honors those whom they love. In reality it’s a solid month of expectations tied up in ribbon including, but not limited to: chocolate, wine, roses, candlelight dinners, lingerie… and sex.

There are exceptions to every scenario I spin in my mind. Let’s start with men and how they see Valentine’s Day. Some men are hopeless romantics who spend weeks planning how they will shower their woman with love. Others don’t give Valentine’s Day a thought until the clerk at the gas station asks if they have big plans for this evening (Valentine’s evening) and suggests that they might pick up one of the Cellophane-wrapped, single, red roses tucked in with the bananas at the check-out. (Yes, that’s why those roses are there.) You can find men at every point on this spectrum.

Women are also multi-faceted and approach Valentine’s Day in a variety of ways. The first half of February, single women often dream of Mr. Right surprising her with chocolate, wine, roses… you get the idea. Young married women wonder how the one their souls love will celebrate their mutual love even as she makes plans to love on her man in return. Women who have been married a long time might hope their men DO stop to get gas and happen to pick up a Cellophane-wrapped single rose.

It all sounds so romantic, but what about the pressure that comes along with the ‘love month’?

For married women, how do we contend with the messages that create pressure for us to DO or BE  something sexual? We certainly get the same advertising messages that the single people receive. The reality is that when we are married, we do have greater sexual license. That’s something we should enjoy. Sex, however, isn’t just about physical intimacy; it’s also about spiritual and emotional intimacy.

Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Those are God’s words, including the part about “becoming one flesh,” which is talking about sexual union, but also includes spiritual and emotional union.

Healthy Sex Following a Sexual Betrayal

Where does that leave the couple for whom pornography is or has been an issue?  Because let’s face it, pornography is a game changer as it breaks all of God’s rules.

In my book, When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart, I wrote:

“Marriage is intended to echo the union of Christ and his “bride,” the church. I want you to hold this truth close to your heart. You see, until you and your husband can enjoy spiritual intimacy, you can’t enjoy sexual intimacy as God designed it. The first step in healing sexual intimacy in your marriage is to work toward emotional and spiritual healing.” (Page 116)

Purity rings are a common gift for parents to give their sons and daughters after going through some sort of purity training or sexual education. The suggestion is that the ring is a symbol of the teen’s decision to remain “pure” until he or she marries. I’m going to suggest that purity must be carried into marriage too. As a married man or woman, you still have a responsibility to guard your thoughts. Be mindful about what you watch on TV or in the theater as a family, with your spouse, or when you are all by yourself.

Don’t allow yourself to think in sexual ways about anyone other than your spouse. Don’t allow coarse jokes or language and if others use it in front of you, remove yourself.

When we understand what genuine love looks like (where actions are more important than passing feelings, and commitment is more important than romance) in the context of marriage, then SEX + LOVE ≠ Pressure to do or be something sexual, because it can’t equal anything other than the beautiful gift that God created it to be.

Restoring Hearts Women’s Conference 2022 will be Saturday, May 14 at Northwest Church in Lynnwood, WA with keynote speaker Dr. Sheri Keffer. Restoring Hearts is a one-day event for women impacted by intimate betrayal (pornography, affairs). Tickets will go on sale March 1, 2022 at restoringheartsconference.org

The Restoring Hearts Women’s Conference and blog is a ministry of Prodigals International, a Christian 12-step recovery and counseling ministry for families impacted by sexual brokenness.  For more about Prodigals’ recovery groups for men, support groups for women and our resources, counselors and conferences, visit https://prodigalsinternational.org